**insert sappy reference to reflections of life and reflective pools as a metaphor for life** (and don’t forget to update facebook page with sappy reference to said reference and express thankfulness for life)
My midlife crisis and the knowledge that I will be turning 50 in the not too distant future has brought me to a place of reflection, a backwards glance at my younger self. Exploring the reasons I am who I am, and why I do the things that I do. I was searching through pictures the other day, what I was looking for I can’t remember now, another byproduct of menopause I think. Anyway, I realized that there really aren’t any pictures of me. It’s my own fault of course because I hate to have my picture taken. But why don’t I like having my picture taken? Insecurity? Fear of an absolutely horrible picture will make me look ugly, fat, stupid?
And further with this reflective subject, why do I have no inclination to celebrate my birthday? I don’t have any anxiety over my age, I never have. Possibly because I don’t feel like I’m worth the fuss? I’m embarrassed of the fuss? One of my regrets in this area is that I didn’t teach the kids to celebrate my milestones. I maintained that I didn’t want to celebrate. Which at the time was true. It’s the typical thing you do with kids, you sacrifice buying yourself clothes to ensure the kids have shoes, you eat the broken cookie and leave the whole ones in the cookie jar for the family. It’s not that you are trying to create brats, you just seem to slip into that mode that you put everyone else ahead of you. You do it so often and without thought that it transfers to silly things like eating the damaged cookie. In doing this though you look up one day and you have unintentionally become the fixer, the go to girl, complaisant. You make no demands. You forget what you like. You’re so busy making everyone else’s favourite dinner you forget what yours is. You put yourself second. It’s my opinion that this is how midlife crisis start to blossom. Suddenly, you aren’t responsible for the things you’ve spent the last 20 years being responsible for. I’m at that point.
And I’m formulating a plan.
*insert giddy reflective laugh*